I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
