I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
