you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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