so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
