just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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