eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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