i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Randomize
