you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
