i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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