I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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