I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
