He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
