I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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