Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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