You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
