Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
