the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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