my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
