Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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