Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
