I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
