dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
