every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I FOUND THE LEGS
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
