you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize