I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
