I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
