This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
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