my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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