so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Everything about him screamed your future.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
