So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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