She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
