Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
okay pat passed out under dana's car
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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