Well apparently he's into motor boating.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
