It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
