I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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