he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
