Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
