Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
