You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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