JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
the day after is always just damage control
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
