OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
