and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
