I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
