I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize