Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize