Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
