Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
