I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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