Swine flu. Run for my life!
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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