good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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