her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
