i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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