Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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