My room smells like vodka and shame
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
