Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
