can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
