your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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